Where Are They Now?

Phil is back with another satirical piece and sits down with a few blasts from Magic's past, and asks some hard hitting questions.

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Hello, hello once again my friends. It’s been a little while. Today, we have a couple of very special guests here on MTG.one. Some blasts from Magic’s past have joined us, ready to answer some questions about what they’ve been up to since their time in the sun. Our first guest, from the plane of Dominaria, is Jhoira of the Ghitu.

Jhoira: Good to be here, Phil. Thanks for having me.

Our next guest, that demon who’s a-schemin’, Tibalt, the Fiend-Blooded.

Tibalt: Remember me? Please?

—and finally, from the Ninth Sphere of Phyrexia, Yawgmoth!

Yawgmoth: That’s the original Phyrexia, not that new place. You probably haven’t heard of it.

Welcome everyone. I’d like to start with Jhoira. We last saw you in Time Spiral block, helping Teferi out by sealing some time rifts. What have you been up to since then?

Jhoira: Well, I’ve just been taking it easy. Saving the Multiverse takes a lot out of someone my age. I’ve mostly just been showing up in broken Commander decks now and then.

Is there any chance you’ll be making an appearance in Return to Dominaria?

Jhoira: My agent is still in negotiations with Wizards. I don’t want to say anything and jeopardizing the discussions.

Fair enough—now Tibalt, you’re fairly recent to the Magic storyline, only first showing up on the plane of Innistrad.

Tibalt: Barely. I got one lousy card and no real impact on the story, even though I was the only Planeswalker native to Innistrad. That damn moonfolk gets to be playable twice, and I get sent to the bulk bin? Child, please.

Well, what have you been doing to try and raise your value as a character?

Tibalt: I keep trying to get a hold of Bolas, but he won’t return my calls.

Speaking of supervillains, Yawgmoth, you’re the original big bad guy everyone was fighting.

Yawgmoth: You got it. Can’t beat the original!

But, didn’t you get defeated and killed by the Null Moon at the end of the Invasion storyline?

Yawgmoth: Naw, that’s just fake news. I was only there to take out Urza, and when I saw he was dead—I jetted out.

Jhoira: Wait a minute. Urza told us you wanted to invade Dominaria.

Yawgmoth: Like I said, fake news. I was just trying to help you guys out. That guy was nuts! I mean, check out his backstory. Him and his brother leveled an entire forest because of their little spat, genetically modified an entire race without their consent (some of whom, I assume were good people), mindlessly tossing fellow Planeswalkers to their doom because he felt threatened. Give the guy a mustache, and he’s basically an omnipotent James Bond villain.

To be fair, you regularly took beings and turned them into hideous mechanical monsters. This was after single-handedly ruining the Thran Empire.

Yawgmoth: Look, am I saying I’ve done nothing wrong? No. But when some nut gets an entire world along with a bunch of demi-gods convinced you’re evil, you have to defend yourself.

Tibalt: This guy defends. You can’t get branded as a villain forever, just because you’ve got some dirt.

Your whole character profile, if I remember correctly Tibalt, was built around you torturing people.

Tibalt: That’s all hyperbole. The truth is, I’m just into the lifestyle. It’s liberating. Don’t judge me on my lifestyle.

On the subject of personal relationships—Jhoira, there are some rumors floating around about you and Teferi. Would you care to address them?

Jhoira: Absolutely, and thank you for asking. Teferi and I have had a strictly professional relationship. I wouldn’t even go as far as to say “friends,” more cordial.

That’s not what’s been written on the bathroom walls at Tolarian Academy.

Jhoira: Yeah, well, I can almost guarantee that was put there by Teferi himself. He’s a bit of a trouble maker, and I’m looking for more maturity. Like Jodah. He’s been around for a millennia as well.

On the topic of millennia, no one has heard from you in quite some time, Yawgmoth. Any chance of returning to the spotlight?

Yawgmoth: Well, everyone thinks I’m dead…but hey, Bolas was dead for a while. Now he gets his face plastered all over the product. I’d like to get back out there and stir something up. Just waiting for the right time, I suppose.

And you, Tibalt?

Tibalt: Like I said, I keep trying to get a hold of Bolas, but no luck so far. If you talk to him, could you put a word in for me?

Jhoira: Like, “terrible?”

Yawgmoth: Or, “garbage?”

Tibalt: Look, I enable madness, I punish control decks, and my ultimate is an Insurrection. All for two mana! What more do you people want from me?

Ok, calm down folks. I’ve just got a couple more questions. Yawgmoth, what do you think about what the Praetors are doing on New Phyrexia?

Yawgmoth: Meh. It’s ok. I dig the overall concept, the whole “all will be one” thing. But let’s be real, nobody likes Infect players.

Jhoira: Here, here!

Tibalt, I assume you heard Sorin has been trapped in stone back on Innistrad. Any thoughts?

Tibalt: Serves him right! He acts like he’s a hero, but he’s still nothing more than a bloodsucker. Thanks for reminding me to go pee on him.

And Jhoira, have you heard anything from Karn since he left Mirrodin?

Jhoira: Yeah, he’s crashed on my couch a few times since then. Keeps talking about needing to get the old Legacy back together. I’ve told him dozens of times, Urza’s dead, Gerrard’s dead, he’s gotta figure something else out. But then he goes on about bringing the Mirari back… I’m worried he’s just going to make things worse.

That is a little troubling. Well, thank you all for stopping by. This has been a real treat. Any parting thoughts for our readers?

Jhoira: Don’t trust Planeswalkers.

Yawgmoth: I second that.

Tibalt: You know, I should disagree, but the facts don’t lie and I know all about being bad.

Well, that wraps up this interview. Thanks for reading. And Bolas—if you’re reading this, try to let Tibalt down easy. I think he’s in a bad spot right now.

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Phil Feichtner
Phil plays Magic and has four kids. These often conflict. When they’re not conflicting, he’s the resident comedian here at MTG.one.
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